The point isn’t whether ‘One Hundred Years of Solitude’ should be the 100th novel I read or would it be an insult if I finish the one I’m currently reading, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, first and let it be 101st, the point is that I managed to waste one full day brooding over this question in indecision.
I’m not a liar by nature (who is?), I try not to even exaggerate when I speak but there is one little lie I deliberately tell people (the keyword being little) – and now I’m writing about it in a blog which would, someday, be public- that I’d watched ‘V for Vendetta’ on November the 5th; I’d watched it on 6th. Why should these, of all things in the world, mean something to me? There was a line in The Illicit Happiness of Other People that went something like: “That’s the problem. Everybody wants to tell a good tale.” It’s something like that at work.
P.S. If you think that I whine about petty issues, that’s really the way it is. I don’t have big problems.
No activity in over 80 days; I was right in not telling anyone about this blog. The last one (named The First One) was a couple of hours before CAT and this one (will have to name this one as well, shit!) is a couple of days after the results, which I don’t care enough about to share. I’d apologise but I see there have been no visitors. Did think about writing once or twice but procrastination truncated all the ideas as it would have done to this one if I could sleep now. But I am here and so, here it goes.
Those who know me know that I’m very optimistic; I’ve been told that it is my best and worst quality. So, me having this, sort of, existential crisis is deeply out of character. How do I deal with the fact that, probabilistically speaking, I am never gonna make an impact on anything? The best case scenario I can see any number of years down the line is me making considerable money, maybe someone in the extended family referring to me as someone to look up to to someone younger, nothing more than that. And why is this bothering me? Why now? I never cared about “making an impact” and standing out sort of stuff. Why can’t I be happy with whatever I said above -basically ending up among and as mediocrity; can’t be that bad, happens to everybody (that’s the whole damn problem)? Actually, I am happy, just insecure that I won’t still be when I am actually in that place.
That’s about it. Can’t expect to reach to a solution in just a blog. Optimism will take over in a while and I will start finding all this incredibly corny. Will be good as
new the old self by the time I reach class.
I keep convincing myself that I am not here for CAT, that I am here for the trip afterwards. Went an extra mile in that, forgot to pack my admit card and had to run back to my room from outside the hostel. But then, why have I come at all; I am not particular ly enthusiastic about the trip either, especially now that I know that it takes a 5 hour cab drive from Kochi to reach Munnar. It’d be irrational to have come just because I’d made plans a couple of months ago; a lot has changed since then. An Econ perspective ( refer Thinking: Fast and Slow) would imply that I should not care about the money already spent for CAT form and train reservations. I proudly don’t. The trip is sn extra expenditure and is going to be a big one at that. Why then?
The conclusion of all the introspection that I had been doing was simple. I am appearing in CAT only because I haven’t prepared, which means that I’m not going to get a good percentile. Not appearing now would make me feel like a coward; I’m so many things but not that.